The more you wait,the more you fade

Bukowski said that we should write things when we feel them

If it’s a struggle it’s probably not worth it

So here I stand , expecting things to feel them

When all I feel it’s time , his every bit.

I sit and watch it as it goes

Imagining what’s after that and after that and after all

You said to me one day that I don’t love you

And in defense I called this “time” a curse.

It’s not that I don’t feel at times what happens

And that I lie when speaking about it

It’s just that in my mind a thousand versions

Before it happens, are already built.

You took me by surprise, a lot you did

And when I said “It wasn’t you” I really meant it

It’s my own mind that’s playing tricks

And only when I drink it stops a little bit.

It’s sick to fix what’s broken by breaking it harder

And patience, yes, that’s what we need as it shall pass

But patience was never one of my strong points,

Though, funny thing, I’m used to this waiting game a lot.

But then again, killing time with time it’s just not right

Oh,right..but what it’s actually right...right now?

Nothing, you see. And I’m writing this only to keep my mind busy

Distracted from something that doesn’t even have an existence

It’s no longer you, or him or me

Causing harm, it’s nothing, no thing with an influence on another

Cause you can’t say that I can see this moment differently

That I can tell this to my brain “Just stop and seize the day”

It’s how it works and it takes puzzling plans to keep him off the track

You have to be good and to be bad, to set my mind on other problem than that

And maybe that’s what you never got exactly right.

I don’t need only happiness in my life because it gets me sad

Because I know it goes away as fast as it came , so that’s why I make it bad

To make you shout and make you shiver and say “Fuck off, I’m out!”

And then to get you back.

You may laugh if you understand this now and think

“Damn, was she really so fucked up?’

But I guess that wouldn’t be exactly “understanding”,

And understanding this is not something that I wish for

As time should pass normally for people, they should cherish it

The time, the time, the time.

Meanwhile I’ll just stay here analysing how this error came

To make it go away. But that’s also useless cause I know it very well

It came because of waiting for someone who never stayed

But also never quite completely stayed away.

It was a torment, exactly how I wanted it

So good and bad, and bad and fine again,

At times I hated all that happened but now’s okay

Cause that’s what made me who I am today.

But you, if you read this don’t wait

Go and take someone’s hand, play with their hair

Tell them they’ll be fine even if you’ll leave that night

But save yourself, cause no one else can to that.

I? I can’t, cause well, I always have to picture in my mind

How it will be after that, and it haunts me so I wait

For what? For when I actually find a place where I’m alright.